Last friday, I watched The Bucket List in HBO and it had a great impact on me. It made me realize that life is really short and time is always running out. Looking outside my bedroom window, I happen to see the person I wanted to become. I may not be that person now, but I know somehow I have time to be close to that or be exactly who I wanted to be. I do not want to sit and wait for life to unfold before me. I'm an ambitious person (in a good way) and I wanted to live my life to the fullest and make the best out of my remaining years. I ain't talking about my death here - I just do know that I ain't gonna live my life dwelling on things I'm not supposed to be wasting time on.

      So here's "my bucket list" (not in any order)

1. get back in shape.

2. get back into boxing. (i'm in love with this sport =P )

3. be employed in a reputable company/institution

4. be inlove (i'm only human.. ya know.. it's sad to be alone)

5. travel and go to places I've never been (with my daughter of course)

6. be close to my other relatives ( whom I'm not so much familiar of)

7. enrol my kid in a good school

8. try bunjee jumping! ( i always find it so cool)

9. get back to mountain climbing.

10. get back to being environmentally aware and active with organizations

11. buy my own car

12. own a house for me and my lil one.

13. I've always wanted to own a resto-bar ( a resto where lovers would want to bring their first dates.. there would be a live band who sings ballad and request songs.. =P 

14. i wanted to enrol my kid in piano and swimming lessons.

15. pursue M.A and enrol to fine arts school or photography lessons

16. sing or dance in front of an audience (thrill!)

17. ride a hot air balloon

18. take my kid to Hong Kong Disneyland

19. i badly wanted abs (jesus! like beyonce's)

20. have a room in my (future) house for painting

21. try paragliding with a special person

22. skii in snow!

23. get married? (who doesn't want to?.. sigh.)

24. have a photo gallery.. (that's seems so interesting)

25. learn how to play an instrument.. mmm. piano?

26. learn how to bake.. yum!

27. frequently go to church

28. be a wise buyer

29. raise my kid being smart, polite and god fearing

30. go to Italy.

31. I'll make sure I try something new each month.

32. be a reasonable and caring mother

33. save a big sum of money 

34. i wanted to watch an opera!

35. help the needy

36. never do the same mistakes I did before

37. make sure to treat my mom and the entire family to show my love and gratitude

38. take my mom somewhere she wanted to go

39. stay grounded.

40. let my daughter meet his father

       I'd make sure I'll have all this accomplished before I die. It felt good to visualize life. It feels like i'm just starting my life - just now. I cast my worries away. I wanna rejoice life like I've never known before. I'm so ready!

        How about you?  What do you badly wanted to do before you lose your chances?

   

        I wonder what does God wanted us to be.. Does He want us all to be angels? Does He really wanted to save all of us? Does He want us all to be happy? Does He want us to stay guessing all our lives? Or the opposite? Isn't over rated to say that life is just? Well, some do claim it to be.

        I'm getting tired to be upset all the time. I'm so tired of being sad, lonely and miserable. I'm tired of wishing things are the other way around. I've been worn out to this kind of feeling for the last 4 months. If forcing myself to be happy is the solution, I don't think I'm gonna be up for it. As I rest my head each night and stare at the walls, I've discovered a new way of feeling things - it's better not to feel 'em. It's better not to feel anything about everything. To care? There are reasons to care for people and things.. I think I'm running out or reasons - so better not to care. Just be visible. To love? I'm not quite sure if I'd be able to do this whole heartedly. I just can't pretend my heart is filled with love when in reality it's dry and empty. 

         I must admit all of this is still because of him. I know I used to be the strong girl who can easily shove things, get back on track, get things the way I wanted them to be, say things I mean a lot, and be so much in love - not now. I talked to my close friends from work, they told me everything.  It's possible that he's in a relationship now - with someone who had said a lot of things against me for him to break up with me - that someone who barely knew me. He is happy with his life - without a single thought of me slipping into his mind. He's following whatever his parents told him to do - which is not to do anything about my pregnancy. He's not man enough to see me nor talk to me and he only plans to do that 2 to 3 years from now. I got anry for awhile but then I ask myself - NOW WHAT?

         I have nothing to do but deal with it. Deal with all the hurt I'm supposed to feel but then again I asked myself - THEN WHAT? I can not feel anymore. I wake up each day now feeling just numb. Numb. Nothing to feel, nothing to think of, worry of, care for, hope for - there's nothing more - coz' there's nothing left. I'm all drained.  So I guess, being numb is a great way not to get hurt.. nor be too hopeful.

Lately, I've been trying to find songs that fits with how I totally feel. This one just did.

 

 

           My emotions are welled up for now and I badly wanted to burst. I want to burn. Stab. Swiftly slash your neck. Kill. I won't stop unless your lifeless.  

           You're not even half the man I used to know. You wimp. Wait for my turn, I'm gonna take you down. Someday, you'll look back with regret. And I'll make sure of that. Just wait.