snobby spot

There must be something wrong with the world.

 

Or am I just too blind for me to see that it is just me who’s messing up everything I get myself into?

 

            Imagine yourself sitting at the top cliff of a very famous mountain overlooking the city, the smoke and all that lies before our eyes and ask yourself “Am I happy?” What a dreaded question to ask. What a silly question that is. How pathetic would you get when you ask such thing to yourself. Coz I was in that state right now. Silly. Pathetic. Stupid.

 

            I’ve been to several relationships that I ever since knew would end up nowhere. I was totally aware that these men that I’ve been with, went out with, dine with and even slept with were mere assholes who were ready and bound to bestow on me their manly, ego powering, manipulative, self centered love.

 

            Whenever I fell in love, I know deeply in my heart that I love the person. I’m dangerous when I’m in love. I get to love everything about the person, accept all the flaws, suffer all the consequences, deny the fact that I’m being used nor loved at all, the relationship is no longer working but still I’m pushing it which makes the relationship even difficult to end. I don’t know what I would really settle for. There are times that I stop myself from feeling a bit of attached to the person because I found out its one thing that may lead me in pain because the more I get myself involved with something in connection to that person, sooner or later it will lead to my destruction same as the relationship.

 

            I lose myself in the long run of a relationship.

 

            Unluckily, I’m always afraid to feel the pain again. I’m afraid I’d be miserable again. That’s why whenever I feel something’s wrong, I catch myself. I begin to be cautious of my actions, my gestures and even my words. I slowly lessen the attention the person, I love receive from me.

 

            Why do I result to that kind of action? I’m crazy.

 

I’m always afraid to get hurt more. Feel the pain even. I would rather lessen the love that I feel inside that to surrender in total pain. Coz I know, the more I love the person, the deeper the cut.  

 

So much for the high hopes, I just wanted to be happy.

 

            In every relationship I get in to, I always hope that “this is the one.” My heart is already tired of loving and hoping that one day, a guy on this planet would introduce him self, sweep me off my feet, share the same thoughts, make me laugh hard and take me to places even without travelling. I just want to be happy.

 

 

       Things aren't the same as it used to be and hell as if no one really knew how things went right down the drain. I wasn't really able to cope up that easily although everybody thought I was having the time of my life with new found friends and nothing edgy could hurt me all the more than that of  the breakup. 

                   So here I am.  Listen.

        I realized a lot of things. There where three phases with tons of emotions and nostalgic experiences which I can recall and somtimes regret. Phases which surrounded my thoughts of you.

Phase 1 when i met you.

Phase 2  when i was with you.

phase 3 when i left you. 

 

          It was a total blast of unexpected outcomes and feelings when you came right next to me. It started strangely and not quite impressing on neither of our side. Most of your friends look at you differently during those times. There were grudges and thoughts which were not yet sealed with closure and a nod of agreement yet I stood by you thinking it would all be alright.
 

 

w8 i gotta pee. 

 

     I wonder how i hate to love and i love to hate. Kinda ironic yet this is one hell of an overloaded pizza for tonight. Jealousy. Ouch. A dreaded word. Would you mind if i elaborate more of this pretty used word? Well, you have nothing to do but agree.

     Being possesive is like guarding yourself from all the probable traps that's laid before you and might be just under your steps. Its so creepy whenever I keep my mind busy with all the doubts and fears. Am i sick or am i judgemental? Its a load of crap whenever the man you loved the most, completely forgot about you on a friday afternoon session of total bondings but he never forgets to be with her newly met cousin. It kills me. He prefers to buy load for that special irritating cousin while he ignores your messages completely nor have the nerve to feed your cares of "where u's and are u home's" text messages. While he keeps himself busy texting her ultimate cousin whenever she needed something from him. He's like a rat ready to attack on anything just for that shiny shimmering cheese on top of a glossy table. Well, too much for my grudges! Wait till i get that rusty knife. Stab it. Stab more. MOre. MOre. Till i get satisfied. Then rest.

JUST WAIT.

Clear my mind of all these murmurs at the back of my head

It ain't gonna lead somewhere

Would you mind if i step aside and give myself a moment

the sun is dying down the hill

the bus stops at green

and I am standing while everyone is seated

you suddenly whispered upon the stillness of night

I dropped the bomb and we go loud

sailing through the side of this illusion

we diverge into souls of emotion

and we blankly swayed with the breeze

stepping harder on the gas

we sing along as the car flies past them

no worries, i smiled back

we cling to these moments

yet we are hardened with burdens

we somehow forget, but when shall we regret?

we just can't, we won't

morning will blind these eyes now

we know it will be tomorrow

so what's the point in feeling sorrow?

we will just get by

foolin' and laughin'

and then ignoring

the sun sets and we walk down the path

and we're here now.. somehow.

how i dream of a worry-free life. No problems, no cramming, no deadlines, no pollution, no undesired situations, no frustrations, no stress, no aggravating, no lonely moments and even no "thinking"(what the hell is that?). There are times when i pause for a while and reflect, go over things that are done which i have no means of changing and ask myself - am i happy?

Life is filled with lies and often we are blinded with falsehood and i'm so afraid to fall in a pit full of lies where i'll be drowning and no one would come and rescue me from what i'll become.  What am i pointing out here? Too many blahs and blahs and going around the bush? I'm in doubt. Can anyone tell me what the hell am i doing? Am i right? Am i insane? God! My head will explode with all these questions running in my head! I'm so confused with all my actions and what my mind is telling me. Am i about to get what i deserve? Or am i about to be at my worst and lowest part of my life? I'm taking every risk and adjusting with the situation, understanding every bit of someone else's life --- then what? I have all the right decisions in my hands yet there are chances that i've been deceived by my own intentions and my own feelings.  I wanted to take each step lightly and surely yet i'm in doubt. I'm confused. Am i taking these things easy? Am i too laid back to get it all over me like this? There are crazy questions that are too childish to ask yet these are questions and are in need of answers. But what am i getting? lies? made-up stories? How should i know who's on my side?

This is what i dont like about myself. When i'm fixed up and all set to have a brand new start i'll ruin my life by repeating what i've done and hurt myself all over again by trusting so easily.  I've been badly wounded but we all know that past is past and has nothing to do with what life is presenting us today but would anyone blame me of being cautious and suspicious and afraid?

I've been strong facing everything that this world is throwing up on my face but inside i'm weak. i'm defenseless. i'm stubborn. i'm afraid. No one can have the best of both worlds. It's either i lose the other thing or person that i value and have the other set of important things or persons or lose both. I'm taking my time. BUt time does not cooperate with me.  Don't i have the right to get the right things? The right way? The right moment? The right words? and a matched smile for my blank face?

Oh, good God! I thought you've listened to my prayers..

Now i'm still hanging, praying, teach me how to wait.

For waiting is such a pain.